everyone has a battle to fight

How many times have you said "Oh, I am doing great!" only to break down the very next day in despair? You feel as though you had lied to others, and yourself. You thought you were okay. When in reality, were you really? You begin to doubt yourself. Your feelings. Everything you believe in and stand for. Perhaps after all this time you actually don't know what is right any more. Then, through the darkness a light shines upon you.

He hath delivered my soul in peace from the battle that was against me: 

for there were many with me. 

Psalm 55:18

Each person fights their own battles, every single day. Battles of fear. Anxiety. Depression. Trust. Hurt. Pain, physically and emotionally. 

for there were many with me. 

This past year has been a crazy ride for me. I became engaged, planned a wedding, married, and moved away from my home. The home I loved with every ounce of me. The home I had not wanted to leave. I ached for home. I questioned God for taking me so far away. I couldn't see why He did it. What was His plan? What did He want from me? What does He want from me?

Be merciful unto me, O God: for man would swallow me up; he fighting daily oppresseth me. Mine enemies would daily swallow me up: for they be man that fight against me, O thou most High. 

Psalm 56:1-2

David wrote these words in a different time and place. But God allowed them to be recorded that His children may read them and understand. Understand that they are not alone. That every one has battles they must fight. Battles that they can not fight alone. 

I married my best friend. I have a place to call my own. I can cook my husband meals. Clean for him. Wash his clothes. I have someone to hold me when I am sad and laugh with me when I am happy. 

Yet, I wanted more. I know from the outside you may look and think "I'd give anything to be in your place. Married and content." But the sad truth is, I am still a human. Yes, my dream came true yet I still wasn't content. I believe we never will be. But, you know what? We shouldn't be.
We should be thankful and grateful for what we have. But we should not put our trust in it. 

This world is not my home. I'm just a passing through. My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue. The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door and I can't feel at home in this world anymore. 

The past two days were very hard for me. I was lonely. And with that came great anger. Anger that spilled out and caused me to fear. As I cried I remember saying, "I feel as though God has left me." 

I knew it was wrong to feel so much anger. I wanted to let it go. Yet, I didn't know how. I felt as though no matter how much I prayed, the anger still returned. I'd be okay for a while but it would find a way to creep back inside. 

If you know me personally, you know I thrive on others emotions. If someone is sad or stressed, so am I. I read people very easily and take on any emotion they are feeling. I want to make every thing okay but I know I can't. That then turns to fear and anxiety. 

 "Stop saying money! It's a filthy disgusting word!" 

- P.L Travers / Saving Mr. Banks

Amen to that, Mrs. Travers! 

Money has been, and has always been, my number one stress causer. 

Growing up, money wasn't something we had much of. I watched my parents struggle to pay the bills and put food on the table. As I said before, I thrive on others emotions. I could sense when things would get tighter and I would lay awake at night and worry. Why? It didn't fix anything. Yet, I still did it. I would feel guilt for not being able to do something about it. 

Despite that, my childhood memories are for the most part, happy ones. I had a great childhood. With loving parents and not so loving siblings. (Just kidding! We love each other, in a "sit on your head and annoy you" kind of way). Or perhaps I was just the annoying sibling? *shrugs*

My parents taught me to be thankful for what you have. Work hard and always put others before yourself. That money didn't matter. Love was all you needed to get through life. God always provided and He always will. 

I knew all this.

It wasn't until I married and took on my own bills that I realized how much I relied on the idea of having money. 

I worry a lot about tomorrow. I want my future children to have everything they need. To not worry weather or not we'll have food on the table. I want lots of land. A cute little farmhouse. A barn with animals. And little ones to run and play in the great outdoors. Loving and laughing with no hurts or fears. 

I wanted it so badly that I began focusing on how I could make that dream happen today. I didn't want to struggle so badly that I would stress when an unexpected expense would happen. 

Money. I need more money. 

I broke down and cried. Cried for all the dreams I have that are so out of reach. For fear that they never would happen. I would never get home. I would never have my little farm with toddlers and puppies. I was angry. So angry. I cried until my tears flowed no more before drifting off to sleep. 

The next morning I awoke to puffy eyes and needing to clean my Grandma's. I dabbed on some make-up, swallowed more tears, and made my way down the road. Then my heart began to open up and I prayed like I've never prayed before.

I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

Psalm 27:13-14

I poured my heart out on that cold winter morning. I told God about my anger. How I didn't understand His will. I told Him my worries and fears and dreams. I asked Him to help me lose that anger. To replace it with peace and joy. Oh how I long for peace. 

I told Him how I felt abandoned. As though my world as I had known it was crumbling beneath my feet. My church. My state. My family. My mind. 

And on that road He told me something. 

He told me that I had been putting my trust in something physical. Something that can't save my soul or come with me to Heaven. Only He is constant. Yesterday, today, and forever. 

Trust ye in the LORD for ever: for in the LORD JEHOVAH is everlasting strength.

Isaiah 26:4

Everlasting. Eternity. Always. 

Money is not everything. Yes, it will pay the bills and buy nice things, but is that what life is about? Is that why God created this world? That we may have nice things for a short time? 

God has always provided. I have never gone without food on my table. Maybe it was a small amount. Perhaps it was the same thing you had for breakfast and lunch. But, it was food. It was there. It filled your belly and kept you happy. 

I was longing for stability. To live a life of no worries. But, that isn't life is it?

That's Heaven. 

There's a place in the clouds where the sun always shines. Where the love and the laughter grow wild on the vines. Where there ain't any heartache and there ain't any pain. There's a place in the clouds where it's never gonna rain. 

- Joey+Rory

I prayed and asked God to help me live for today. To have joy for my husband. We have no promise of tomorrow. I want to live today to the fullest. Enjoy this time of our marriage. Just us. Learning together. Loving each other. Growing in each other and growing in Grace. 

I thanked Him for my blessings. 

An amazing Christ filled family who loves me for me.

A loving relationship between myself and all of my siblings. I have learned that not everyone is blessed this way. My siblings are my best friends. All four of them. 

I thanked Him for the very first time for giving me eleven years with my Grandma. Eleven short, but beautiful years. He taught me so much through that strong woman. 

I thanked Him for making my dreams come true. I have a partner in life. The best partner. 

I thanked Him for dying on the cross for me. 

I have failed every moment of my life. And I will continue to fail Him. But through Grace I am saved. He has forgiven all my faults. 

He promises to never ever leave my side. 

Though I felt abandoned, I hadn't been. He was always there. Quietly waiting for me to call for help. He reached out His hand and told me, I have never left Thee.

I was putting my trust in this world. What I could see and feel with my hands. But all this is nothing. It could all disappear tomorrow. 

Christ is here to stay.