how am I doing? // an emotional update

No, we do not have snow yet. This is an old photo.

My life may not be roses

But still I'm gonna be alright

Long as I got my Savior by my side

He freed me from the heavy chains 

That had bound my broken heart

Picked me up; gave me a brand new start

Now I'm on my way to Heaven

 On my way to Heaven

I'm on my way to Heaven

So I can't be staying long

- Dennis Quaid  

Hello, friends

Back in August I wrote a post about how I was doing emotionally and spiritually. You discovered I wasn't doing okay. I was having a very, very hard time. 

I realized today I haven't done a update on me in a long time. So, here it goes.

How am I doing? Truly doing? 

I am doing alright. I wrote about panic attacks I was beginning to have. Those, thankfully, have cut way back. A few times since then I have felt the heaviness in my chest and anxious crawling of my skin, but I have learned to take deep breaths as well as taking a lavender vitamin my Grandma gave me. I am not sure if that is what has helped, and have only felt the need to take them a few times, but it has been a lot better for sure. 

The tear episodes have cut way back (yay!) though they are not completely non existent. Instead of weekly it has become maybe two-three times a month. Phew. Good thing because my body was taking a toll on all that emotion physically. 

Recently I did wake my husband up in the night from crying out in my sleep. It was an odd dream though and honestly can not remember what was going on exactly. I just remember I was curled in a ball while someone tried to drag me away to somewhere I did not want to go. I was trying to cry for help with everything in me and began repeatably saying "Jesus. Jesus. Jesus" before I was woken up. I felt very afraid, but didn't have words to say what was the matter, for I did not exactly know. 

The heat has disappeared and cool weather has come. Let me tell you, I am thrilled. For with the cool weather also comes sunshine. I learned in the summer here, blue skies turn a more gray-white color from the humidity. And, rain happens often. 

Since the humidity has gone, the skies have turned blue and crisp. The leaves have fallen from the trees causing it to not feel so closed in and claustrophobic. I decided they should have more fall days and less summer. What do you think? Sound like a plan? *laughs* I wish. 

But, it does not feel like torture to stay inside my apartment any more. It is sometimes a little cold but I can bundle up. When summer was here all I could think about was a cold swimming pool. Fresh air. Oh please, fresh air. 

So fall, you're a dear. Thank you for your visit.  

I do still ache for home. For my family. For my mountain. I ache for them daily. But, the pain is not so sharp any more. I feel a little more human, though I still daily pray we will go home soon. 

In fact, we were able to purchase tickets to go home for Christmas! I am so excited! Though I will be missing Thanksgiving for the first time in my life, I am so grateful we can be there for my favorite time of the year. And for a full two weeks on top of it! 

  I know my home state is not perfect, but it is home. It still is in my heart.

Josiah and myself don't have many friends here, and both of us can get lonely or bored on the weekends. Especially Sunday's. Though, recently we have spent some Sunday's for lunch with a cousin or two of mine and that has been so refreshing. I did not realize how much I longed for female companionship until then. Still, I wish we had couples we felt relaxed and comfortable to be with. It would be nice when both of us had someone to visit at the same time. 

I still have my fears and thoughts. I still occasionally feel guilty for many things. Moving away from my family, not providing enough financially for my little family. Wishing I could help my parents and siblings out. I have always thought I had to be the fixer. Now that I am older, I realize how little I can fix, and how little I am in control. It's been hard for me to accept that, and to let God carry my worries and burdens, as well as my families. 

So, am I okay? Yes, I am. Am I completely okay? No. I still worry and ache and cry and fear. I still question and hurt and wonder. But, the pain has eased and slowly but surely I am coming out of that dark pit I was in. I still yearn for your prayers and I thank those who have not forgotten me. 

May God Bless you all.