a grand adventure: and baby makes three

That Saturday morning we awoke just like any other Saturday. The only thing that was different is the night before I decided I should take a little test in the morning, "just to be sure".

Imagine our surprise when a cross appeared before our disbelieving eyes. A positive pregnancy test.
I have never been so shocked, happy, excited, terrified, and confused all at the same time in my entire life. I kept saying "no way. no way. What is that?" We shook. We smiled. We hugged. We nervously laughed. What had felt like an eternity of waiting was finally over.

We were going to have a baby.

We told our families who all were excited and happy for us. I am the eldest child, grandchild, and granddaughter on all sides of my family and the first of any of them to marry. Now, I am carrying the first great-grandchild and grandchild. The first niece or nephew for my siblings. My first child.

5 weeks

After all the excitement wore off I am not going to lie, I became scared. Really scared. I'm not sure if it was from the hormones, or the fact that I had been feeling very low from life in general. Perhaps it was a mixture of both. All I know is, I cried a whole lot. So many fears and questions were spinning through my mind like a crazy roller coaster out of control.

I am in a state I hardly know.
My mother is 3,000 miles away.
I have never done this before.

I didn't feel ready. We had prayed and prayed for this to happen and the month I felt the least ready, emotionally or mentally, the Lord sent us a miracle.
I had no idea where to begin or what to do. Nausea and fatigue have become my daily companions causing me to not want to leave my couch.

So many questions swirling. How are we going to do this? What if I'm not ready? How will we pay for this? What is going on?

I was disappointed. My entire life I dreamed for this. Prayed for this. Ached for this. And when the time finally came I couldn't feel joy. Instead, I felt terror. That in turn made me feel guilt. Deep guilt for the child I am carrying knowing that God brought them to us at the exact time we needed them. Why then couldn't I jump for joy like all the others when they heard the news? Why couldn't I feel excitement? Why did I feel so afraid?

Week 6

I want this baby. I love this baby. Deep within me I am filled with joy. I just wished so badly I could feel it daily in my heart.
Being first pregnant it's easy to doubt. Thinking "is there really a baby in there? Maybe I am making this all up." You feel sick and exhausted, but you can't physically see or feel the baby growing so tiny inside you.


Week 7

During these days I spent my time nibbling on crackers, crying, and praying. Begging God to grant me peace and joy. So that my baby can feel wanted and loved even from inside my womb.

Week 8

Week 9

I am so grateful to say that finally, I have joy. Finally.
Money is tight, and finances are not something I am very wise in so I in turn, stress. Worry. Wonder. We have not found a doctor (or midwife) we would like to use and I really wanted to just know that baby is in there and growing as they should. I scheduled an ultrasound and for the very first time we seen our tiny baby.

They held their little tiny arms up by their face and wiggled their body from side to side. Their little heart beat quickly and my heart fell in love. Finally, I seen what this is all about. That perfect little new life growing deep within me. A new soul. A baby. Our baby.