Unique Blogger Award // T A G

I was tagged by a dear friend for the Unique Blogger award. You can read Shantelle's over at Between the Pages of this Bookish Life. Thank you for thinking of me!

Q U E S T I O N S

1. What are you passionate about? Tell us all about it! 

Are you sure you're ready for this? *laughs* 

My mother is passionate about many things, and I suppose some of her passions, or her strength in what she believes, was passed down to me. 

I am passionate about the Biblical roll of a wife. As well as the Biblical roll of a mother. A woman. What God created us for and what we were intended to do. 

Homeschooling. 

Modesty. 

American History.
Healthy eating habits. 

2. What is one of the best books, novel or nonfiction, that you've read in your lifetime? What is it you love about it? 

Heidi by Johanna Spyri. 

It was been so long since I read the unabridged and original Heidi but I still remember the warmth I felt as I did. It was such a sweet, simple story. Filled with lessons, heart felt emotions, and beautiful spiritual encouragement. It will always be one of my favorites.

No one seems to be able to write like that any more. Raw. Simple. Truth.

2. What is your favorite holiday? Why? 

Christmas. Always and forever, Christmas. 

As a little girl, the coming of Christmas was so exciting. The cold weather rolling in, with the occasional snow flurry. Oh the excitement you'd feel when you'd awaken to white tree tops. I'd hurry out of bed, awaken my sisters and we'd slip in to our house coats and slippers. Hurrying out doors to catch snow flakes on our tongues. 

Christmas songs sang through the rooms and Mother's baking filled the air. Christmas cookies to decorate and bowls of chocolate to lick. Lights, stockings, presents under the tree. 

Family gathering at Grandpa and Grandma's. Fire's in the stove and squeals of delight as Grandma poured out the Christmas candy. Ham, potatoes, and gravy galore. 

Gathering into one big room, Grandpa pulled out the Bible and gently read the Christmas story. 

 And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

Luke 2:7 

Everything felt safe and warm. Christmas will forever hold the fondest memories of my childhood. The smell of pine, Grandma's twinkling eyes, and the taste of candy canes. 

everyone has a battle to fight

How many times have you said "Oh, I am doing great!" only to break down the very next day in despair? You feel as though you had lied to others, and yourself. You thought you were okay. When in reality, were you really? You begin to doubt yourself. Your feelings. Everything you believe in and stand for. Perhaps after all this time you actually don't know what is right any more. Then, through the darkness a light shines upon you.

He hath delivered my soul in peace from the battle that was against me: 

for there were many with me. 

Psalm 55:18

Each person fights their own battles, every single day. Battles of fear. Anxiety. Depression. Trust. Hurt. Pain, physically and emotionally. 

for there were many with me. 

This past year has been a crazy ride for me. I became engaged, planned a wedding, married, and moved away from my home. The home I loved with every ounce of me. The home I had not wanted to leave. I ached for home. I questioned God for taking me so far away. I couldn't see why He did it. What was His plan? What did He want from me? What does He want from me?

Be merciful unto me, O God: for man would swallow me up; he fighting daily oppresseth me. Mine enemies would daily swallow me up: for they be man that fight against me, O thou most High. 

Psalm 56:1-2

David wrote these words in a different time and place. But God allowed them to be recorded that His children may read them and understand. Understand that they are not alone. That every one has battles they must fight. Battles that they can not fight alone. 

I married my best friend. I have a place to call my own. I can cook my husband meals. Clean for him. Wash his clothes. I have someone to hold me when I am sad and laugh with me when I am happy. 

Yet, I wanted more. I know from the outside you may look and think "I'd give anything to be in your place. Married and content." But the sad truth is, I am still a human. Yes, my dream came true yet I still wasn't content. I believe we never will be. But, you know what? We shouldn't be.
We should be thankful and grateful for what we have. But we should not put our trust in it. 

This world is not my home. I'm just a passing through. My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue. The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door and I can't feel at home in this world anymore. 

The past two days were very hard for me. I was lonely. And with that came great anger. Anger that spilled out and caused me to fear. As I cried I remember saying, "I feel as though God has left me." 

I knew it was wrong to feel so much anger. I wanted to let it go. Yet, I didn't know how. I felt as though no matter how much I prayed, the anger still returned. I'd be okay for a while but it would find a way to creep back inside. 

If you know me personally, you know I thrive on others emotions. If someone is sad or stressed, so am I. I read people very easily and take on any emotion they are feeling. I want to make every thing okay but I know I can't. That then turns to fear and anxiety. 

 "Stop saying money! It's a filthy disgusting word!" 

- P.L Travers / Saving Mr. Banks

Amen to that, Mrs. Travers! 

Money has been, and has always been, my number one stress causer. 

Growing up, money wasn't something we had much of. I watched my parents struggle to pay the bills and put food on the table. As I said before, I thrive on others emotions. I could sense when things would get tighter and I would lay awake at night and worry. Why? It didn't fix anything. Yet, I still did it. I would feel guilt for not being able to do something about it. 

Despite that, my childhood memories are for the most part, happy ones. I had a great childhood. With loving parents and not so loving siblings. (Just kidding! We love each other, in a "sit on your head and annoy you" kind of way). Or perhaps I was just the annoying sibling? *shrugs*

My parents taught me to be thankful for what you have. Work hard and always put others before yourself. That money didn't matter. Love was all you needed to get through life. God always provided and He always will. 

I knew all this.

It wasn't until I married and took on my own bills that I realized how much I relied on the idea of having money. 

I worry a lot about tomorrow. I want my future children to have everything they need. To not worry weather or not we'll have food on the table. I want lots of land. A cute little farmhouse. A barn with animals. And little ones to run and play in the great outdoors. Loving and laughing with no hurts or fears. 

I wanted it so badly that I began focusing on how I could make that dream happen today. I didn't want to struggle so badly that I would stress when an unexpected expense would happen. 

Money. I need more money. 

I broke down and cried. Cried for all the dreams I have that are so out of reach. For fear that they never would happen. I would never get home. I would never have my little farm with toddlers and puppies. I was angry. So angry. I cried until my tears flowed no more before drifting off to sleep. 

The next morning I awoke to puffy eyes and needing to clean my Grandma's. I dabbed on some make-up, swallowed more tears, and made my way down the road. Then my heart began to open up and I prayed like I've never prayed before.

I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

Psalm 27:13-14

I poured my heart out on that cold winter morning. I told God about my anger. How I didn't understand His will. I told Him my worries and fears and dreams. I asked Him to help me lose that anger. To replace it with peace and joy. Oh how I long for peace. 

I told Him how I felt abandoned. As though my world as I had known it was crumbling beneath my feet. My church. My state. My family. My mind. 

And on that road He told me something. 

He told me that I had been putting my trust in something physical. Something that can't save my soul or come with me to Heaven. Only He is constant. Yesterday, today, and forever. 

Trust ye in the LORD for ever: for in the LORD JEHOVAH is everlasting strength.

Isaiah 26:4

Everlasting. Eternity. Always. 

Money is not everything. Yes, it will pay the bills and buy nice things, but is that what life is about? Is that why God created this world? That we may have nice things for a short time? 

God has always provided. I have never gone without food on my table. Maybe it was a small amount. Perhaps it was the same thing you had for breakfast and lunch. But, it was food. It was there. It filled your belly and kept you happy. 

I was longing for stability. To live a life of no worries. But, that isn't life is it?

That's Heaven. 

There's a place in the clouds where the sun always shines. Where the love and the laughter grow wild on the vines. Where there ain't any heartache and there ain't any pain. There's a place in the clouds where it's never gonna rain. 

- Joey+Rory

I prayed and asked God to help me live for today. To have joy for my husband. We have no promise of tomorrow. I want to live today to the fullest. Enjoy this time of our marriage. Just us. Learning together. Loving each other. Growing in each other and growing in Grace. 

I thanked Him for my blessings. 

An amazing Christ filled family who loves me for me.

A loving relationship between myself and all of my siblings. I have learned that not everyone is blessed this way. My siblings are my best friends. All four of them. 

I thanked Him for the very first time for giving me eleven years with my Grandma. Eleven short, but beautiful years. He taught me so much through that strong woman. 

I thanked Him for making my dreams come true. I have a partner in life. The best partner. 

I thanked Him for dying on the cross for me. 

I have failed every moment of my life. And I will continue to fail Him. But through Grace I am saved. He has forgiven all my faults. 

He promises to never ever leave my side. 

Though I felt abandoned, I hadn't been. He was always there. Quietly waiting for me to call for help. He reached out His hand and told me, I have never left Thee.

I was putting my trust in this world. What I could see and feel with my hands. But all this is nothing. It could all disappear tomorrow. 

Christ is here to stay.

my best friend and I // Christmas photoshoot

Snow is swirling to the ground as I type these words. Winter has come to New England. How can this be? I am nervous about my first full winter here. Prayers would be appreciated as I get accustomed to living in a white world for a while.

Last week we did a photo shoot with a dear friend (and cousin) for some Christmas photos. I am glad we did it when we did, especially since it was a last minute thing! We made it before the snow came! Though it was extremely cold and all three of us almost turned in to a popsicle. *laughs*

She did an amazing job. I am so happy with how they turned out. Here are a few of my favorites:

how am I doing? // an emotional update

No, we do not have snow yet. This is an old photo.

My life may not be roses

But still I'm gonna be alright

Long as I got my Savior by my side

He freed me from the heavy chains 

That had bound my broken heart

Picked me up; gave me a brand new start

Now I'm on my way to Heaven

 On my way to Heaven

I'm on my way to Heaven

So I can't be staying long

- Dennis Quaid  

Hello, friends

Back in August I wrote a post about how I was doing emotionally and spiritually. You discovered I wasn't doing okay. I was having a very, very hard time. 

I realized today I haven't done a update on me in a long time. So, here it goes.

How am I doing? Truly doing? 

I am doing alright. I wrote about panic attacks I was beginning to have. Those, thankfully, have cut way back. A few times since then I have felt the heaviness in my chest and anxious crawling of my skin, but I have learned to take deep breaths as well as taking a lavender vitamin my Grandma gave me. I am not sure if that is what has helped, and have only felt the need to take them a few times, but it has been a lot better for sure. 

The tear episodes have cut way back (yay!) though they are not completely non existent. Instead of weekly it has become maybe two-three times a month. Phew. Good thing because my body was taking a toll on all that emotion physically. 

Recently I did wake my husband up in the night from crying out in my sleep. It was an odd dream though and honestly can not remember what was going on exactly. I just remember I was curled in a ball while someone tried to drag me away to somewhere I did not want to go. I was trying to cry for help with everything in me and began repeatably saying "Jesus. Jesus. Jesus" before I was woken up. I felt very afraid, but didn't have words to say what was the matter, for I did not exactly know. 

The heat has disappeared and cool weather has come. Let me tell you, I am thrilled. For with the cool weather also comes sunshine. I learned in the summer here, blue skies turn a more gray-white color from the humidity. And, rain happens often. 

Since the humidity has gone, the skies have turned blue and crisp. The leaves have fallen from the trees causing it to not feel so closed in and claustrophobic. I decided they should have more fall days and less summer. What do you think? Sound like a plan? *laughs* I wish. 

But, it does not feel like torture to stay inside my apartment any more. It is sometimes a little cold but I can bundle up. When summer was here all I could think about was a cold swimming pool. Fresh air. Oh please, fresh air. 

So fall, you're a dear. Thank you for your visit.  

I do still ache for home. For my family. For my mountain. I ache for them daily. But, the pain is not so sharp any more. I feel a little more human, though I still daily pray we will go home soon. 

In fact, we were able to purchase tickets to go home for Christmas! I am so excited! Though I will be missing Thanksgiving for the first time in my life, I am so grateful we can be there for my favorite time of the year. And for a full two weeks on top of it! 

  I know my home state is not perfect, but it is home. It still is in my heart.

Josiah and myself don't have many friends here, and both of us can get lonely or bored on the weekends. Especially Sunday's. Though, recently we have spent some Sunday's for lunch with a cousin or two of mine and that has been so refreshing. I did not realize how much I longed for female companionship until then. Still, I wish we had couples we felt relaxed and comfortable to be with. It would be nice when both of us had someone to visit at the same time. 

I still have my fears and thoughts. I still occasionally feel guilty for many things. Moving away from my family, not providing enough financially for my little family. Wishing I could help my parents and siblings out. I have always thought I had to be the fixer. Now that I am older, I realize how little I can fix, and how little I am in control. It's been hard for me to accept that, and to let God carry my worries and burdens, as well as my families. 

So, am I okay? Yes, I am. Am I completely okay? No. I still worry and ache and cry and fear. I still question and hurt and wonder. But, the pain has eased and slowly but surely I am coming out of that dark pit I was in. I still yearn for your prayers and I thank those who have not forgotten me. 

May God Bless you all.

sentimental words // N O V E M B E R

How many of you have seen the 1994 version of Louisa May Alcott's Little Women?
I absolutely loved that movie as a little girl. The music. The dresses. The songs. Everything.
One scene, even as a very young child, always without fail caused me to have a lump in my throat.

The scene where Jo says goodbye to Beth.

Beth - "If God wants me with Him there is none that will stop Him. I don't mind. I was never like the rest of you, making plans about the great things I'd do. I never saw myself as anything much. Not a great writer, like you."

Jo - "Oh Beth, I'm not a great writer."

Beth - "But you will be. Oh Jo, I've missed you so. Why does everyone want to go away? I love being home. But I don't like being left behind. Now I am the one going ahead. I am not afraid. I can be brave like you but I know I shall be homesick for you, even in Heaven."

Cue the music. Cue the tears.