unanswered prayers

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers

Remember when you're talking to The Man Upstairs

That just because He doesn't answer, doesn't mean He don't care

Some of God's greatest gifts are

unanswered prayers

- Garth Brooks "Unanswered Prayers"

Have you ever thought about that before? The words in the country song above hit me hard one day. How many prayers did I breathe. Plead. Only to have them left "unanswered"? Or so I thought.

Even from a small girl, I never doubted what I was going to be when I grew up. I wasn't going to travel distant shores or dig a canal. I didn't care for becoming a doctor or studying art.

All I wanted was a family of my own.

Sounds simple, doesn't it? You would think I could just simply sit back and wait for the Lord to open the doorways for me.

But I didn't.

I complained. I pouted. I pleaded. I cried.

Why wasn't it happening, right now?

My Mom and Grandma both were married at the tender age of seventeen. Seventeen. I figured that was a good age for myself. I could carry on the "tradition". Meet my prince charming at age fifteen and be married by seventeen. Simple.

Not.

My teen years were hard on me, emotionally. I struggled with bitter feelings toward myself and my life. Nothing was going how I had always planned and it frightened me. Why couldn't God allow my deepest dream to come true? Others had theirs granted. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I have mine?

I believed God would send the right one in His time, but why wasn't His time when I wanted it to be? My friends around me had boyfriends. They would come and go in their lives. I knew I didn't want that, but why had no one ever looked twice at me? Was there something truly wrong with me?

I suffered from anxiety and severe insecurity.  I couldn't even walk into a grocery store without my body going into shakes. I was terrified of someone looking at me.

This caused me to feel even more bitter. Why couldn't I relax? How did I ever think I would be able to talk to a guy if I couldn't even say "Good. How are you?" to the nice lady at the cash register?

Years went by and I grew older. I got jobs. Slowly my anxiety felt less and I was able to function like a normal human being. Still, I was lonely. Still I wondered what God had planned for me.

Where was I going in this world? Why was I here? 

Then, one day, it happened. A good hard slap of reality. An experience completely knocked me off my feet and shattered my entire world. I have never felt such hate for myself as I did those few months in my life. Such shame and embarrassment. Each day I would awaken and the tears would fall down my face.

That's when I came to realize how wrong I was for trying to control my own life. To try and shove doors open that were meant to be shut and locked tight.

The following months after that experience were the hardest, most beautiful months of my life. I spent long moments in prayer. Begging God. Asking Him one simple question.

Why?

He answered me gently and quietly.

Because I love you.
Because you needed to realize that your life is not in your control.
I have a plan. One I created at the beginning of time.

Wait.

It's going to be beautiful.

The bitter feelings went away. In their place I was granted peace. Contentment. I truly believed with everything in me that God was in control of my life. And if I was meant to be single for my entire life on this earth, I would be okay. God was by my side and I could have joy in that. I became closer to God and began to truly see Him as a friend. As my All in All.

Some moments the embarrassing feelings would come back. God was able to remind me of those words He spoke and I felt pure happiness. That experience had to happen, to bring me to where I was.

It was meant to be.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

Psalm 23

All the days of my life.

After that, I gave up. Yes, I still had my desires, but only if they were God's will. In God's time.

I had never felt so content in my entire life. God was in complete control and He would take care of me.

Then one day, my New Hampshire auntie FaceTimed me. She never had before and has not since but it made me realize how much I missed her and my Grandparents.

I told my parents I felt I needed a vacation. A change of pace to just recharge after such an emotional time. Grandma had been asking for me to come visit for years. I never dared for the thought of flying without my parents scared me beyond words. Then one day it happened.

I was ready.

I didn't want to fly alone but we did not know of anyone going out there in the near future. My Mom just reassured me:

"If its meant something will open up."

And it did!

We made a trip across the river to visit my Dad's sister. She casually brought up that my cousin Shiloh hoped to make a trip out there that summer but she was nervous having him fly alone.

Ding!

Perfect!

Just like that, the doors opened. Tickets were bought and, nervously, we boarded a jet plane to fly 3,000 miles away.

At this point I did not desire to meet a young man. I wanted to spend time with my Auntie and her baby twins. I wasn't looking anymore. I was happy where I was.

I'll even admit, I was a little scared to even allow myself to notice someone. I would probably end up hurt. Again.

I had no idea what God had planned for me that vacation.

The first weekend I was there, we made a trip to Clark's Trading Post. 

Uncle Amos' younger brother had joined us. Usually I would be nervous around young men but that day, I wasn't. I just poured all my attention on the twins and pushed any other thoughts away.

I would be teased about him by family members but I would just smile and shake my head.

Sure, I had noticed him. Occasionally he would cross my mind, but I didn't let myself go past that.

"He would never notice me."

On my final day there, as I was seated in the living room playing with one of the babies, my Auntie started to giggle.

"So... would you girls like to go out tonight with Amos' brother, Josiah?"

I remember feeling excitement replaced by pure panic. "Um? What?"

She then explained she had text him, trying to get him to take myself and cousin Kirsten out somewhere.

Hesitantly, I agreed. So did Kirsten.

It was decided he would come over for supper and then it would be decided what we would do.

I'll never forget going into the bedroom to try and freshen myself up a little when Kirsten asked:

"What are you doing? Do you like that kid?"

"Uh... what. Um... I don't even know him."

She looked at me a little funny before leaving the room. I remember looking in the mirror and thinking:

"Do you like him?"  

That night a group of us went hiking. I never spoke a word to Josiah. In fact, I did my best to avoid him. I wasn't about to let myself read into anything that wasn't there. I didn't even say goodbye when he left that night. And I didn't think I would ever hear from him again.

I flew home and began to get back into my daily routine. Still, for some reason I couldn't push thoughts of those two days we spent together out of my mind. I even prayed and asked God to take away those thoughts. I didn't want them if they weren't going to benefit me.

And then on September 14, 2016, I received a Facebook message from Josiah. Imagine how my heart started pounding when I got the notification! I nearly passed out I do believe.

Never, ever had I even dared hope he would message me.

We talked for a little while and then we both headed off to bed. For the next four months we chatted occasionally. Once we even went two weeks between a conversation. But slowly I started getting to know him. He wasn't any longer just "that guy". He was someone who had hopes and fears just like me.

In January the talking picked up until we began having some sort of communication

every. single. day.

Still, I had my fears. What if this was all one sided and he didn't care for me in that way? How was I ever going to know?

Then, Grandpa became sick and, while I wasn't even home, tickets were bought for us girls to fly out there for a long visit.

My first feeling was that of panic.

I was going to be in the same state as Josiah again. What would he do? Would he want to see me? Would that make him feel awkward? Would he stop talking to me?

One month went by before we were finally on our way. The flight there I felt excitement, but also anxiety. I tried not to hope or even think about how all this was going to go. That way I wouldn't be disappointed if we only seen each other once or twice.

Once or twice? Ha.

We weren't at Grandma's more than a half hour before Josiah stopped by to say hello. I'm not going to lie, I think my heart fell to my feet and back up when he walked in. I was so nervous. But I kept telling myself that this was the same guy I had been texting for five months straight. Only he was in life form now.

The next day he picked me up and he bought me shoes for my birthday. Then we went hiking. We hung out at my Grandma's for a little while, before he went home.

The next day he texted and asked if I wanted to go out to supper. Again we spent the evening together.

And the next.

And the next.

And the next.

Until it became Saturday and we spent the entire day with each other.

Each day I felt more comfortable with him. Each day we grew closer.

Until the night of May 19th, when we officially became a "couple".

Today marks three weeks since we began "dating" though we have been talking for nearly nine months. Daily for six months.

Boarding that plane was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Leaving my boyfriend behind and wondering when we would be together again. After spending every moment possible together for three weeks and three days, I was going to be lonely.  

But, it was the most amazing three weeks and three days of my life. We went hiking, out to eat, coffee, ice cream, shopping, out on a pond in a canoe, or sometimes we just relaxed together at Grandma's. I'm afraid I didn't always see much of anyone else *blush*.

It still feels so crazy. So weird to say "I have a boyfriend". It's sometimes hard to believe this is all real.

I sit here in awe and am amazed at God's hand in this. I know I had nothing to do with any of it. All glory goes to Him. For without Him, none of this would have happened.

Josiah is my best friend, and worth all those years of waiting for. I have never met someone who I feel so at ease with. Someone I can tell anything and everything to.

I only wish I could go back and tell my young self, "Wait. It's going to be beautiful."

So for those of you who are still "waiting", please believe that God does have a plan for you. It sometimes may be hard to see but I know from experience that it's a beautiful plan. One that was made exactly for you. Live in the moment. Live in today. Bloom where you are. God will open the doors of your life. All you must do is trust Him. Let Him be your all in all.

He will take care of the rest.

It's going to be beautiful.